Find Her
by winniereed
Summary: The Doctor misses Gallifry. But it's more than that. He misses his granddaughter. And we discover the Doctor is a wimp when it comes to needles. Let me know what you think!
Dr Who: Find Her

 **I don't own Doctor Who! For now, this could be a one- chapter story. I think it's pretty good on it's own. If I can think of something more to add, I will in the future! Let me know what you think!**

"Morning…" Clara started to say as she walked into the Tardis but paused in confusion. "Doctor?"

"Shh," The Doctor muttered as he crawled slowly over a gigantic map on the floor that stretched over the banisters, down the stairs and all the way to the doors.

Not wanting to rip the map with her heels, she took off her shoes and carefully walked toward where the Doctor was. Up close now, she could see that the Doctor was unkempt. His hair was wild and he looked more thin than usual. "What are you doing?" Clara whispered loudly.

"Figuring out where I haven't been," the Doctor answered to which Clara began to laugh. He looked up in puzzlement. "What's so funny?"

"Oh Doctor," she giggled. "You could use up all of your regeneration energy before you figured that out."

There was an awful silence as Clara watched the Doctor's face fall. "You were trying to find Gallifrey," she realized.

The Doctor began to blink rapidly but couldn't stop the tears from trickling down his cheeks. Clara, without thinking, hugged the Doctor around the waist. She inwardly froze and wanted to kick herself; The Doctor hated hugs. To her relief, the Doctor accepted the gentle hug but at the same time, it made her feel worse because she knew she had hurt him badly if he was ok with hugs. She could feel the Doctor shaking slightly and her shoulders were steadily becoming damp with tears.

Finally, the Doctor broke the silence.

"Have you ever been lost? You're driving, walking and you can't find your way home?"

Clara nodded. "Yes,"

"Well, imagine you're not lost and you go home, and," his voice cracked. "…it's not there."

"Doctor," Clara said in an effort to reassure the Doctor. "I was only kidding about using up your regeneration energy. You are the cleverest man in the world. You _will_ find Gallifrey."

The two of them didn't say anything for a moment until the Doctor pulled away.

"I need to find—," he broke off as he clutched his head and stood still.

"Doctor?" Clara asked in alarm.

The Doctor breathed in deeply to steady himself before he nodded to himself. "I'm fine. I just stood too quickly." He lowered himself to the floor and Clara noticed that he was unsteady. Aware of her watching, he used his arms to support himself and he took another breath in order to focus. It was getting difficult for him to see. There was a high ringing in his ears and out of the corner of his vision, objects were getting steadily darker.

"Doctor, I think you need some rest," Clara said. She studied him again and noticed that the Doctor's arms were trembling to support himself as he crawled like a child all over the map in desperation.

"I can't Clara! I can't stop, not now!" he said, refusing now to look Clara in the face.

"When's the last time you ate something?" Clara asked.

"Uhhh…" the Doctor said, his voice trailing off for a moment before answering. "I'm busy."

"Doctor…" Clara said in an accusing voice before the Doctor angrily interrupted her.

"You don't understand, Clara. You have no idea what it's like to lose everything, to _always_ lose everything. My companions always tell me that I'm never alone…right before I lose them too. Right before they leave me." He stood up quickly and faced Clara, his expression stricken with grief. "They say to always have a companion, to never be alone. But they don't understand that the more people I associate with, the larger the hole in my hearts become. My family, Clara. My _home_. They're out there but I can't see them. Who can fix that? Who can possibly replace that?"

The Doctor paused to take a deep breath but his eyes rolled backward and he slumped to the floor in exhaustion. Clara stared at the Doctor's body in silence, tears slipping down her face.

"Oh Doctor," she whispered.

"Doctor?" " _Doctor?"_ "Doctor!"

The Doctor moaned and held his head as all his past companions voices filled his head. He could see them all in front of him, all gesturing to him for help. As he tried to approach one of them, the others would call out for his help and one by one, they would disappear before his very eyes or else vanish exactly how he remembered them leaving him in the first place. Overwhelmed, the Doctor knelt down and wrapped his arms around his body and rocked himself for comfort.

" _Grandfather!"_

The Doctor looked up and saw a young girl standing a few feet from him, her soft brown hair tucked behind her ear. She wasn't in pain but was smiling at him. She held open her arms in invitation.

" _Grandfather!"_

Getting to his feet, he ran toward her but instead of disappearing like the rest, she stayed in his arms. She looked up at him and smiled.

"I've missed you, Grandfather," she said.

"I'm so sorry, I'll never let you go again," The Doctor apologized and hugged tighter. "I've missed you, Susan."

" _Doctor!"_

Slowly, the Doctor opened his eyes and looked around him. He had a blanket wrapped around him and he was lying on the couch near the TARDIS's consul. Clara was sitting next to him in a chair.

"Hi," she said gently.

The Doctor didn't say anything at first. He was still adjusting to the lighting when he realized—

"How long was I asleep?"

"You're going to be upset if I tell you," Clara answered.

"A _day?_ " the Doctor yelped and started to sit up but Clara placed a hand on his side and pushed him back down.

"Did I say a day?" Clara asked.

"No, but by _not_ telling me you've told me that I've slept a day at least because sleeping a full day, yes that would upset me," the Doctor explained.

"Not a day," Clara answered.

"Not a day?"

"Technically,"

The Doctor's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, _technically?_ "

"If you're going by Earth's timeline, it hasn't been a full day yet."

"Oh I see. So by my time travel standards?"

"Two days,"

The Doctor sat up violently. " _Two days!?"_ he exploded before he felt a tug on his right arm. He looked at it and noticed an IV line attached to it. He paled and began to tremble. "W-w-what is that doing in my arm?"

"Doctor, relax or you'll faint again," Clara warned and firmly pushed the Doctor back down on the couch. "Now don't move so fast or you might be out for another two days."

"What _is_ this?" he asked fearfully.

"I need to keep you hydrated and give you supplements. I didn't realize you would be out this long…what?" she looked at the Doctor. "Doctor, are you scared of needles?"

"No!" he insisted. "I just don't like how it feels in my arm, _get it out!_ " The Doctor closed his eyes tightly.

"Ok, ok!" Clara said and grabbed onto the IV line. "On the count of three, it'll be out. Ok?" She began to gently pull on the line. "One…two… _three!_ "

The Doctor shuddered violently and grabbed his arm where it had the line with the other hand and massaged it.

"Don't ever, ever, ever, _ever_ do that again," he ordered in a low hoarse voice.

"I didn't know if you would have died without it," Clara protested.

"Look, if you ever have to stick me with a needle to keep me alive, just let me regenerate. It'd be simpler anyway. Just…just don't do that again, ok?"

"All right!" Clara said, but a smile was playing on her lips as she said that. The Doctor noticed and scowled.

"It's not funny, Clara," he muttered and out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that on the floor was a plate of hot food. He wasn't sure how he missed it before but there it was.

"Is that yours?" he asked.

"No, I made it for you when you woke up. Are you going to eat now?" Clara asked and picked up the plate of food to hand it to him. The Doctor eyed it for a moment before his stomach grumbled. He grimaced and then looked at Clara.

"Nope," he answered firmly.

Clara was mad now. Carefully putting the plate down, she went over to the Doctor and stood over him menacingly. He didn't flinch but stared right back.

"Clara…" he tried to explain.

"You are the most _stubborn_ man I've ever had the misfortune to meet," she said through gritted teeth. "If you don't eat this right now, I'm going to jam this back in your arm," she threatened, dangling the IV line in front of the Doctor's face. His eyes narrowed.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I? I've already did before, Doctor," Clara retorted and grabbed the Doctor's arm. He tried to wriggle free but found that Clara's grip was stronger than his. She smirked. "See? If you'd eat, you could get out of this."

"Really Clara," the Doctor protested. "I have to get back to work. I—," he broke off and shuddered as he felt a cold alcohol swab on his forearm. He began to panic. "Clara, I've changed my mind. Clara? _Clara?_ " The Doctor began to squirm as he watched Clara bend over him with the needle. " _Clara, please_!"

To his relief, Clara paused. She eyed him. "What did you say? You'll eat now?"

The Doctor nodded rapidly. "Yes, I'll eat something."

"Good," Clara sighed and handed him the plate of food. "Here."

The Doctor accepted the food and quietly ate, still scowling.

For a while, Clara watched him eat before saying, "While you were sleeping, I marked all the places you have been with me for you."

The Doctor paused before muttering, "Thank you."

Clara looked over at the map on the ground again before asking, "Who's Susan Foreman?"

The Doctor felt his hearts seize for a moment and a great feeling of sadness nearly overwhelmed him again. None of this did he allow Clara to see.

"She was my first companion," he explained nonchalantly. "She was also a Time Lord like me. We left Gallifrey together."

"Why did you leave Gallifrey with her?" Clara asked.

"She wanted to see new worlds being born. New universes." The Doctor smiled at the memory. "How could I refuse her?"

"Was she your daughter?" Clara asked after a moment.

"No, my granddaughter. My children had already seen what they wanted to see and Susan, she had never gone before. It was going to be like a vacation for the two of us." The Doctor smiled briefly before continuing, "She fell in love with a human and I didn't want her to choose between me and him so, I locked her out of the TARDIS."

Clara didn't know what to say, especially since she had been in love once and often times she had wanted to leave because of that. The Doctor carefully stood up.

"I often wonder where she might be, but it'd be impossible to find her," he said.

"You should find her," Clara suggested.

"A Time Lady?" The Doctor asked incredulously. "It took me three years to track down my wife River, who I actually knew was alive. Susan has probably regenerated half a dozen times since I last saw her and changed her name as well. She could have lost her memory, she could have turned into a human to hide, and she might even be dead."

"Or she could be alive and waiting for you, Doctor," Clara said.

A small smile played on the Doctor's lips for a moment before he reached for his Tardis's console. He hesitated.

"Where could I possibly begin?" he asked quietly.

Clara stood by him and wrapped her fingers around his hands. "Don't worry Doctor, we'll find her."

And with a look of determination, the Doctor pulled back on the lever.


End file.
